Movie: Satan’s Children 1975

Satan's Children (1975) - IMDb

What a weird little movie that was.
.
Not usually a spoiler guy…. but i think i need to talk this one through.

Our Hero is “Bobby”. Bobby lives with his step sister, who is an awful person and in one of the many scenes of Bobby in his underwear she makes fun of the size of his dick. He also lives with his step dad who is an abusive ass who always looks likes one step from having an anger induced stroke.

After his sister nonchalantly tells his step dad about the pot (marijuana!) in his closet, Bobby Runs away only to get picked up at a restaurant by a guy, who strips him, ties him up naked and calls all his friends over to come gang rape him. Instead of doing it in the house, in a really weird scene, they put Bobby in a car and gang rape him while they drive around town. Bobby’s like…. Hanging over into the front seat with the drivers while the other guys are in the back taking turns? It’s really weird and judging by the look on his face Bobby is justifiably….

Annoyed.

Bobby Is annoyed. Bobby doesn’t get angry… Bobby gets annoyed. He spends the entire movie with this annoyed looked on his face like a pouty teenager who is five seconds away from tossing his plate off the kitchen table and go to his room and pout… Even after getting raped.

So after the Rape scene Bobby is left to die in a swamp and fortunately for him, he gets found by a group of Satanists who are playing a game of friendly game of touch football. Unfortunately for bobby they Satanists are Wildly Homophobic.

Their leader, Simon, is out of town but he’s left his second in charge Sherry in command. After briefly yelling at a lesbian for being a lesbian, Sherry takes one look at the beaten up and mildly annoyed bobby in his tighty whiteys and has the only logical response…. I want him, he must join Satan.

So she cleans him up, puts him in bed, ties up the afore mentioned lesbian because Satan seemingly doesn’t like lesbians, (which confused me because i thought Satan loved Lesbians), she then gets naked and crawls up on him and rubs her boobs all over him. Bobby’s all like…. I want to have sex with you but I can’t walk because i was raped…. Delivered with a tone of mild annoyance.

Josh, the third in command is all like, Our leader wouldn’t want him here because he had butt sex!!! And then pulled the “Don’t tell me he was raped” card and left to basically call dad. Sherry gets mad, kills Josh and the others who helped him call dad and when dad (Simon) does show up….. Much Like Bobby, he is mildly annoyed.

Simon immediately kills the Lesbian for being a Lesbian, has sherry buried up to her neck in the sand and karo syrup poured around her for the ants to eat. She’s not being punished for killing Josh and his crew, she’s getting punished because she was wrong about Bobby and Bobby doesn’t deserve to be a Satanist. Simon said that if Bobby wasn’t such a twerp, her murdering of Josh and Crew for bothering him would have been totally justified.

So Simon then goes to Bobby and tells him that he’s killing Sherry because Bobby doesn’t belong, but Bobby’s all like, i do belong! Hail Satan! Simon tells him he can’t be a Satanist because not only was he raped, but he’s a weak little wuss and Satan doesn’t like victims. Bobby says he’s not weak, he’s injured and can’t walk. Simon LITERALLY SAYS, you aren’t damaged, you butt just hurts.

For a moment bobby looks like he’s going to stand up…. gets even more mildly annoyed and lays back down in a huff. He then, after Simon leaves, hobbles to his feet, sets off an alarm, beats up and kills a couple of Satanists while he escapes in his underwear, goes and murders the guys who raped him, goes home, eats a sandwich, murders his step dad, possibly rapes his step sister…. I don’t know. He initially tells her to get in his bed and when she doesn’t he toss her on the couch and next time we see her she’s dressed the same and fully tied up….

More importantly, HE FINALLY GETS DRESSED, drives back to the Satanists, Gives Simon a bag of body parts and is is all like “See, i love Satan”…. Simon smiles, nods, they dig up sherry who hasn’t died yet, and then we watch Bobby and Sherry make Love as they crucify bobby’s sister to a weird love song that feels like it has no place in this movie…..

I mean….. I don’t know what to say here. Yes the movie was wildly Homophobic. WILDLY HOMOPHOBIC. People were literally murdered for being gay. But they were Satanists doing it? Which i think were the bad guys? I’m honestly not sure… I can’t figure out on what side of the line anyone came down on in this movie… Is it pro Satanism? Anti Satanism?

Not surprisingly, this is the only credit listed to any of these actors or movie makers. Not a one of them appeared to go on to do anything but this. Which you know…. if you need people to act Mildly annoyed…. This is the crew for you!!!

I’m not going to say i enjoyed this….. I don’t think this is a film you “Enjoy”. It was only about an hour and fifteen long, so that helped. Very weird little low budget movie that only a lunatic would order from Amazon.com from AGFA for 20 dollars on a double set with Anton Levy’s The Devils Mass……

Satan's Children (trailer) - YouTube

Movie: Friday the 13th The Final Chapter

Slowly working my way through the Friday the 13th boxset. Up next is the beginning of the Tommy Jarvis trilogy, Friday the 13th the Final Chapter. It’s far from my favorite in the series, but so much of this movie just hits so perfectly. One of the strong suits of the early films in this series is that even though they are using pretty basic character type, they all still seem pretty natural and fleshed out. Nobody is played to over the top and for the most part they actually seem like they get along with each other. Can I also take a moment to say how much I like the mom here? Spoilers, but it’s a pity she doesn’t make it through the film. She also pretty much zonks the “morality play” misconception and proves that good people can die in these as well, unless her sin is getting divorced, but that’s a little much. The moms great in this. I love when she catches Tommy checking out Sam instead of yelling at him she just smiles and closes the shade. The Jarvis household is just a bunch of nice people and she has a great relationship with her kids.

Some good kills in this one. I know Rob gets brought up a lot, but Crispins will always be a favorite because of the “Crispinness” of it all. His delivery of “hey ted where is the cork screw” could only have been done by him. For me though, the best kill in the movie is the first Twin. I know we don’t see anything and it’s done off screen, but that stab done in shadows cast by the lightning flash is so effective.

I know I said this was far from my favorite, but that being said this was probably young me’s favorite of the series. Me now as an adult, it’s the first one all the way and I pretty much like them in order. As a kid though? This is the one that really connected with me. Maybe it was the addition of Tommy Jarvis as someone my age that I could relate to, I don’t know. It’s at least partially because this is the first one where it’s just Jason. No world building or mythology being presented. Just an assumption that you know what’s going on followed by an hour and a half of Jason just being Jason. The first one established the world, the second brought in Jason and started writing the rules, the third finished the origin story, and this one just set him loose.

Joe Zito and the crew did an excellent job of creating a film that fit right in with what cane before. They weren’t trying to break the mold or do anything out of the box, they were just taking the ball and running with it, and that will always be my favorite aspect of this one.

I saw this on Video when it hit the new release shelf. I was ten, I totally fell in love with Jodi Aronson and still think Paul deserved what he got for messing around on her. It was billed as The Final Chapter, but ten year old never believed it. While it doesn’t take place at camp, Crystal Lake will always be my happy place.

I guess you can’t really talk about The Final Chapter with out talking about Corey Feldman. It’s easy to pass him off, but Corey is really good in this. He’s very natural and is really good sometimes. The scene when Jason grabs him through the window is amazing. For just a moment you think “holy shit, are they going to kill a kid”? And then Trish goes crazy with that hammer and Tommy proves himself to be the virginal final girl and saves the day!

Excellent entry to the series and I still wish we had gotten to see a film with Crazy Tommy in the mask.

Horror and the Morality Myth.

80’s slashers as a morality play and the “virginal” final girl is a myth that has always bothered me. The so called Purity rules (sex drugs and alcohol = death) only entered into the equation after people started talking about them. The first two Friday the 13ths are in my opinion the best example of that. Neither Alice nor Ginny, arguably two of the four women that helped create the final girl phenomena are most definitely NOT “virgins”.

(Im not even going to get into the bullshit concept of virginity thats been imposed upon the world)

Its highly suggested in the first movie that Alice has had a sexual relationship with Steve Christie, a man ten years her senior. It’s also suggested that she has at least a flirtation going on with Bill, and possibly (no I don’t think I’m reaching here) Brenda! that Strip monopoly game…. Brenda definitely had a thing for Alice and Alice isn’t closing the door. She flat out says “I haven’t decided yet”. So our virginal final girl was about to get naked with two people who were all ready to have some fun with her. Plus Alice Drinks, Alice Smokes Pot, and even though we’ve been told “only the good girl” can save the day, she still saves the day.

In Part 2 we have Ginny…. Ginny is clearly in a sexual relationship with Paul. We don’t see it happen, but we know he spent the night and she wakes up in Paul’s shirt. They fucked, so not a virgin. On top of that she is clearly seen drinking in the Bar! Plus in part 3, 2 out of our three female deaths DID NOT HAVE SEX! While yes, my beloved Vickie was going to, she as of yet hadn’t. We’ve been told time and time again that these movies punish people that do bad, not the ones thinking about doing bad, So that still pokes a hole in the whole morality myth.

Looking at the Friday the 13th series as a whole, really only 2 or 3 movies even come close to the morality play Myth, and those all come late enough to be reactionary. On top of that all of the ones that could be looked at that way, our supposed virginal final girl has some sort of issue that’s driving them away. Rick points out that Clare was all hot and heavy until an attack caused her to retreat, and Tina in seven has her own set of issues that are keeping her “pure”. Even Rennie in part Eight has with drawn because of her parents and creepy uncle. So the only Virginal final girls in the series has their purity forced upon them from outside means…. Which in itself a statement on how morality was forced onto the slasher genre.

Let’s look beyond Friday the 13th….

Texas Chain Saw Massacre, nothing in that movie suggests that Sally qualifies as a virginal final girl… Her supposed purity or lack of purity never even factors into the movie. Morality never enters into TCM for the victims either! No sex what so ever Im That movie! And hell, the only definite Virgin was Franklin and look what happened to him!

Another early Slasher Black Christmas, our final Girl is literally pregnant with a child out of wedlock! Even though she did have a boyfriend, the first victim was obviously the closest to virginal in the entire film!

I know what you are going to say….. Halloween! Laurie Strode. Okay. I’ll give you that Laurie appears to be a Virgin, but we still see her smoking pot, so she is definitely not the prude we’ve rewritten her character to be.

So why did people start saying that they were morality plays how did that narrative get started and why. The two main causes are Halloween and Friday the 13th, but I’ve already addressed why I don’t think those apply. (I have a lot more I can say about Laurie but I haven’t watched the movie in a year so my thoughts aren’t fresh in my head). I think the main place this came from is from Mrs Voorhees herself.

Pamela was punishing the people who she felt was wicked. She was insane, and it wasn’t purity that defeated her, it was the very wickedness she was trying to stop. The point wasn’t that it was a morality play, the point was not to force your morality on others. Mrs Voorhees paid with her life for butting here nose into other people’s bedrooms and judging people she had no right to judge.

Slasher movies didn’t start becoming Morality plays until the narrative that slashers were Morality Plays was created, and it was created by people that completely missed the point. The fact that so many of these movies were made by more liberal film makers just supports that.

In my final statement let me just say, sexism is bad and keep your damn morals to yourself…. and I lied… I am going to say something about virginity…. virginity is a bullshit concept made up by the bullshit patriarchy because men think there dicks are magic! It’s bullshit.

You don’t need to adhere to somebody else’s morales to be happy. Go be you and do what works for you, and as we learned from Friday the 13th part 1…. The judgmental pricks are going to get what’s coming to them.

Series Review: PROM NIGHT

For what ever crazy Reason i decided to sit back and watch all four Prom Night movies back to back in a row!!! AND WRITE ABOUT IT!!! SO THAT SOME ONE COULD READ IT!!!! ANYONE???? Somebody????

Prom Night (1980) Original Movie Poster at Amazon's Entertainment  Collectibles Store

PROM NIGHT 1980

“Killers Coming! Killers Coming!”

Prom Night took me some time to warm up to. I came to the series via Prom Night 2, Hello Mary Lou, which as you may know, is a VERY different movie and one of my favorite movies of the era. Both movies ripped off elements of Carrie, but Prom Night 2 really embraced the metaphysical element that this film ignored, this film is a straight up slasher film. It would be impossible for this movie to have NOT ripped some elements off from Carrie, it’s a Prom Movie right at the end of the 70’s and Carrie embodied that so well. I don’t think they took as much from Carrie as the sequel, but you can feel it’s influence. Wendy feels just like Nancy Allen’s high school bully, and her Boyfriend in this looks and acts like he was John Travolta’s Stunt double. Unlike Carrie though, Prom Night doesn’t really have any deeper meaning. It’s a slasher movie with a pretty basic plot. Even the Killer is pretty basic, he’s dressed in all black with a ski mask on…. Granted in 70’s style the Ski mask is covered in glitter. I think part of the reason that this one works for me so well is because for the most part, the victims are pretty normal. They aren’t really the blatant archetype characters you tend to get in these. They are all pretty normal kids, and for the most part are likable. We spend about an hour getting to know everyone before anyone really starts to die, so by the time we do we are pretty used to these “kids”. The reveal makes sense and the unmasked killer, while not surprising, is at least satisfying. All in all, i enjoy this one a little more each time i watch it.

Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou - Authentic Original 27x41 Rolled Movie Poster  at Amazon's Entertainment Collectibles Store

Prom Night II, Hello Mary Lou!

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession. I’ve disobeyed my parents many times. I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain many times. I’ve had sinful relations, with boys at my school. Many boys, many times…. Father, there’s just one more thing…. I loved every minute of it.” – Mary Lou Maloney.

This film came out in 1987… I was 12 when it came out, probably 13 when i saw it on cable… Many Times. I think i was probably the perfect age to watch this. Prom Night 2 had a HUGE impact on me, and when you talk 80’s horror, and aren’t talking slasher films, this is the first movie that jumps to my mind. Hello Mary Lou Prom Night II, is probably one of my top five 80’s horror films. Prom Night ripped off Elements of Carrie, Prom Night 2 decided that the first movies theft was a little subtle, so decided to just go blatant with it.

Movie begins with 50’s bad girl Mary Lou Malowney (Lisa Schrage) confessing her sins before running off to Prom and cheating on her boyfriend. Her boyfriend then accidentally kills her Carrie style while she accepts her crown. Flash forward to the 80’s and Mary Lou is back, possessing our sweet virginal heroine played by Wendy Lyon. The movie goes slashery as she starts to take people out one by one, including a very classic locker room scene where Wendy stalks a girl fully nude for what seems like a twenty minute scene, but is really only two or three minutes. 

Prom Night 2 Hello Mary Lou balances the kills, the natural teenage melodrama, and a healthy level of 80’s perversion including a really awkward incest scene and Wendy Lyon grinding on a Carousel Horse. The kids are all very 80’s without being over the top. 

I think this is just a fun movie thats always a pleasure to watch.

And Michael Ironside is fantastic.

Amazon.com: Prom Night 3 The Last Kiss POSTER Movie (27 x 40 Inches - 69cm  x 102cm) (1990): Posters & Prints

Prom Night III The Last Kiss

“What am I talking about? I just stuffed my dead biology teacher into the cupboard. Things are not allright.” – Alex

So much to love in this one. It follows the metaphysical path set in Prom Night 2, Hello Mary Lou, but it doesn’t even come close to doing it as well. This one begins with Mary Lou, In Hell, forced to do a slow side to side prom dance for all of eternity, until she uses a finger nail file to escape and return to her high school hell bent on becoming prom queen once again. Prom Night 3 does not take itself even remotely seriously. When Mary Lou starts killing people that hassle our male lead, instead of freaking out he states “We need to set up some ground rules”. It’s a goofy movie, and if you didn’t like Prom Night 2, you probably won’t like this one…. Hell, if you did like Prom Night 2 you still probably won’t like this one! But i enjoyed the version of Prom Queen hell we kept seeing and think Mary Lou was fun as the love struck stalker trying to escape hell for good. It’s a cute goofy movie, that isn’t even remotely trying to be scary. It’s more modeled after the “Fun” Version of Freddy Kruger than the scary version. If Prom Night 2 Hello Mary Lou is a B Movie this is probably a C-.

Prom Night 4: Deliver Us from Evil Movie Poster (27 x 40) - Walmart.com -  Walmart.com

Prom Night IV Deliver us From Evil

“I know who you are, I saw what you did!” – Father Jonas. 

If you learn one thing from watching four Prom Nights in a row, it’s that like most series, Prom Night is an exercise in diminishing returns. The first one is pretty good, the second one is AMAZING, the Third is okay, And the fourth? The Fourth is rough. They decide to drop the Mary Lou story line and instead sort of straddle both storylines without out actually referencing either one. The only connection to the earlier series is that takes pace in the same school, and Brock Sampson is again playing a different character in it like he did in the other films, this time a priest. It’s a pretty low energy slasher movie that checks all the boxes and just keeps moving forward. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s light entertainment with basic forgettable characters. For what ever reason though, they also decided to go metaphysical on us by having the priest be possessed. So we have a slasher like the first one, and a possessed killer like the other ones. I honestly enjoyed this more than I thought i was going to. I’ve seen it before, but remembered absolutely nothing about it, and when i heard the killer was a possessed priest i had zero expectations…. Zero Expectations is the best way to watch any movie. If you’ve seen the other three…. watch this one. Just don’t have any expectations.

Betsy Russel double feature!

So Covid and depression have been making writing impossible. I’m working on it though.

Cheerleader Camp 1988

Cheerleader Camp!!!! What can I say about Cheerleader Camp! This is one of my all time favorite 80’s Slasher films! I really don’t know what it is, but this is one of my horror safe spaces. The film rides this weird edge between 80’s sex comedy and slasher film. I guess it doesn’t really commit to either one fully to really seal the deal, but I still love it. It has such a mean self serving sense of humor. None of these characters are really great, but they aren’t completely unlikable either. It’s a really basic story, a group of cheerleaders go to camp and somebody starts killing them, all the while our lead is slowly going crazy. Betsy Russell is so good as the lead, I really wish she had a bigger career. I was really happy when she showed up the Saw series. Leif Garrett’s character is awful. Flat out flirts with other girls in front of his girlfriend, and when one of the girls seemingly commits suicide he instantly assumes it was something he said. Grade A douche bag. George Buck Flowers is here as well, because he’s in everything. Speaking of people I wish had a bigger career, Can’t talk about the cast without bringing up the amazing Lucinda Dickey as the mascot Cory. Lucinda is best known for the Breakin Movies and the amazing Ninja 3, the domination. That’s really just scratching the surface. This is a crazy beautiful cast. Lest we forget one of the most memorable things about this movie…. That movie poster! Ultimate mixture of sex and death. Someday I will own a copy and hang it on my wall.

Camp Fear 1991

Camp Fear…. Oof. What can I say about this one? A college professor takes a group of kids camping for spring break and they get sacrificed by Californian Druids. Betsy Russel is okay in it, Michelle Bauer has a small uncredited role…. Plus Buck Flowers…. Can’t go wrong with Buck Flowers. This is a rough movie, and my DVD copy is really dark, can’t really tell what’s going on in the night scenes. Can’t help but wonder if I’d enjoy it more if I could actually see it.

Depression.

I’m sorry if this post is buggy and full of errors. I’m just writing and posting without an edit to keep it fresh.

I don’t remember the first time I found my way to this park. It was a long time ago, more then twenty five years. The park has changed a lot since then. They’ve added a beach, they’ve put up a fence. It’s right next to an electric company building that creates a constant hum. I’ve always enjoyed that hum. I’ve always found the juxtaposition of nature and industry appealing. The clash of two things, so different, so at odds with each other, almost at war, but creating a beautiful balance between the two of them.

I started coming to this park as soon as I could drive. I stopped in at random and found my way to the lake. At the time, their was a bunch of trees down below and a dilapidated pier reaching out like a finger into the lake. I always fantasizes about crawling down onto and dangling my feet into the water, but I was too afraid.

Depression has always been a part of my life. A companion when I felt I had none. I used to say I battled depression, but that’s not true. I never did. I accepted it. I let it wash over me because I always felt that in at least someway I deserved that depression.

I’ve always felt “less than”. I’ve always felt that I was the least important cog in my life. I’ve always felt alone. I’ve accepted that I will be alone for awhile, and now I’m trying to accept that I’m not “less than”. I’m trying to change that from within.

Writing has been very hard for awhile. I was so depressed leading up to my divorce, and the year after it has been hard. I’m October I started to get back in the swing, I started to put my life back together, and I was feeling good. Then a few months later the world shut down and I’ve been trying not to fall back into the same traps I was in before…. but it’s been hard.

This cliff was where I came when I was sad. It’s where I came when I didn’t know what else to do. I drew strength from the beauty of the lake and the hum of the factory next door.

Today, as I sit here and write this, while I feel the cool breeze run across my arms, I take that same strength that I left here all those years ago.

Vote For Bertha.

In my sophomore year of high school a women named Bertha called the house. She was running for some local office, and as I like to do with spam callers and wrong numbers, I played along. I talked to Bertha for what felt like hours, but was probably only ten minutes or so, about local politics and ended the call telling her that while I couldn’t vote, I’d make sure to tell everyone I know to vote for her. So the next day in home room I took some colored paper and wrote “Vote for Bertha” on it and slid it in the front of my Trapper Keeper. I soon decided that was not enough. So I started writing “Vote for Bertha” on random pieces of paper and taping them to the mirrors in the bathroom and hanging them on random classroom doors. Eventually between classes I was walking down the hallways taping “vote for Bertha” to dozens and dozens of lockers. Soon though, that wasn’t enough! I took a black marker and wrote “vote for Bertha” across my chest. Since I couldn’t reach the back I wrote it on a piece of paper and taped it to my back. I had to replace it twice through out the day. I walked down the hallways telling people to vote for Bertha while shaking hands and handing out handbills to anyone who made eye contact. When my teachers questioned me I launched into a long rant about how while I held no political association, Bertha seemed like a very friendly person and she deserved for them to vote for her. When my friends asked me what was going on I filibustered their concerns with a dissertation on local politics. Needless to say, everyone pretty much I was nuts. Eventually as the day want on, everyone just kind of started to accept it and by the end of the day people were actually asking me for a handbill. I think that was my favorite me. The me that didn’t care what anyone thought, and made an utter fool of himself and ruined a perfectly good shirt all so I could make my self laugh. That’s the me I’m trying to find again.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

“Stop and Be Friendly”

When I was a kid, I was a dreamer. At some point, as the years went on and life got heavier and heavier on my shoulders, I became a realist. I miss the starry eyed dreamer I used to be. I miss the kid that looked up into the stars and believed anything was possible. That was before my dreams were beaten out of me and I was taught that they weren’t important. So tonight, I’m revisiting an early film that made me look up into the sky’s and wonder…. What if? Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I believe it was a Christmas party at our veterinarians house when I first saw this. A party was going on, but a certain segment of the adults were in the living room, crowded around the TV watching Close Encounters, lost in its magic. I remember being so mad when we left before the movie was over, but thankfully we made it home in the commercial break. The next week at school, I remember standing on the play ground in my winter coat next to the merry go round discussing if we would have gone with the Aliens at the end. As was usually the case, even though every one else said no, I immediately said yes without hesitation. The other kids made fun of me, but I didn’t care. For years afterwards I would play in the yard and pretend I was leaving with the Aliens and traveling the universe. Years later my exwife and I would get in a huge fight when she asked if I would give up everything for a one was trip to Mars never to return, and I again said yes without hesitation. Today, It would be hard, but I would still walk into that space ship at the end without hesitation. Close Encounters of the Third Kind is a masterpiece. It’s a rare film that does nothing but promote wonder and exploration. It’s strange, I wouldn’t put it in my top ten, but when I sit down to watch it, the world melts away and I’m that hopeful kid with stars in his eyes again. The cast is so perfect and it’s an excellent melding of different aspects of the same story. The family trying to deal with Dreyfus’s madness is amazingly well played. I love when they are at the famous mashed potato scene when tears begin to roll down the sons face. It feels so real and such a powerful display of a kid trying to figure out their place in the adult world. I spent so much time as that kid trying to figure out what’s going on in the world around him. As much as I’d love to be Dreyfus getting in that shop, the one character in this film that I find to be the most inspiring is Lacombe played by Francois Truffaut. His character has such a beautiful sense of wonder from moment one. I used to have that, and I’m trying to rebuild it one step at a time.

Hello Again.

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing. I’m apologizing to myself. I’ve been letting the depression win, and I’m tired of it. It’s time to move forward.

Okay. Real talk only guys. Here is the thing about depression… My path out of depression will only work for me. Your path will only work for you…. and it’s really fucking hard to find the right path. I’m not going to lie, at times I’m having a really hard time with all this. I’ve felt like I was alone for so long, and I finally started to break that, I finally started to step out of my comfort zone and move forward, and all this happened. My greatest fear isn’t being alone, my greatest fear is that when all this is over…. nothing is going to change. The works will eventually open and I’ll still be sitting here by myself watching out the window wishing I wasn’t so lonely. Several years ago, my depression reached a point where I knew I had to figure out a way to deal with it, or I wasn’t going to make it. Like I said, every path is different. At that time, I found a path that worked for me. I looked in the mirror and I made a decision. I bold face looked in my eyes and I lied to myself. When ever anyone asked me how I was I said “fantastic”. When ever I started to feel down, I looked in the mirror and I smiled. I forced myself to think happy thoughts. I slowly rewired my brain. Im not saying my depression went away, but I learned to manage it. It wasn’t easy, but it became easier as time went on. I’m not saying it’s going to work for everyone, we all have different paths, but for awhile it was working for me. I was a different person. I was a happy person that I couldn’t recognize, but I liked who I was turning into. Then, one day as I was telling someone whom was at that time an important part of my life what worked for me, they told me that if my path worked for me, then my depression obviously wasn’t real. In that one moment, to have someone I thought I loved completely minimize my depression cut all of the progress out from under me. It did exactly what they wanted it to do. It dragged me back into my muck and me believe I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. Honestly, it almost killed me. Eventually I worked my way back out of that hole and changed my life for the better. I made moves to work my way out and start rewriting my brain again. And then all this happened. The fight with the depression has been bad. The world right now very much makes me feel like I’m that little kid that never really mattered, or that husband who was constantly being reminded of how unimportant he was. I don’t want to be those people any more. I’m trying my hardest to rewrite the wiring in my brain so I can be happy again. I just need to keep reminding myself who I can be and I need to keep moving towards him. We all have our paths. It’s been very difficult to find my way back to my path. But I think I’m finally on my way.

I wish you all nothing but love, and I hope you can all find your path. If you need any help, or if their is anything I can do, please let me know. We can do this.

Much love.

Movie: Toy Story 4

Toy Story 4

Yep. Cried. The damn toy movie made me cry again, but like…. really deep dark, complex tears. 😂 If you haven’t seen it….. Spoilers ahoy.

So in three we have this stupid moment where the toys are about to die when they realize they aren’t going to make it, we have this devastating interaction where they accept their fate and hold hands ready to die. I can’t THINK of the scene without tearing up. They can’t escape fate, so they comfort each other as they go to the great beyond.

Obviously they don’t die. They are saved. But god, the emotion…..

In this one…. we have three moments that are equally as complex and devastating. Well…. at least close.

Basic story, Bonnies new toy is lost, Woody feels useless and is trying to find his purpose by protecting Bonnie. At the same time we have this Evil Doll who wants to cut out Woodys Voice Box so she can fix hers and find her way to her dream kid.

So the first moment is when The Evil Doll, kidnaps Forky, Bonnies new friend, and threatens to not give him back to Woody if Woody doesn’t give up his voice box. Woody tried to save Forky, and ultimately failed. Their is nothing he can do…. he’s completely lost and defeated. Instead of turning around…. instead of giving up, Woody steps up, again accepts his possible demise, and lets The Evil Doll, Gabby Gabby, RIP HIM OPEN AMD TEAR OUT HIS VOICE BOX!!!! Fucking hell was it a dark scene. Woody literally stepped up and said, “go ahead, kill me for my kid”.

Dude. That scene fucked me up.

The next scene that got me, was when, after mutilating Woody, Gabby Gabby presents herself to her dream kid….. and the kid spurns her, tossing her aside. You watch Gabby Gabby, laying alone in a bin, knowing she just lost her only shot at happiness, and is going to be alone forever…. and the full weight of what she did slowly dawns on her, just like Last House in the Left, we have this incredibly complex moment where Gabby Gabby realizes she’s the villain of the story…

and just when shes given up, woody forgives her. He passes up a chance to get back to Bonnie so that he can Help Gabby Gabby. Again, Woody sacrifices himself for someone else.

The “final” gut wrenching moment…. they’ve almost made it back to Bonnie, but Gabby Gabby sees a little lost girl standing alone by herself, lost and separated from her family. Gabby Gabby decides not to go to Bonnie, instead she redeems herself and helps this little list Girl…. and yet again Woods risks it all to help Gabby Gabby connect with this new little girl. This little girl though…. Pixar did an amazing job making this little girl look so scared and lost. I tested up just watching her.

Why are these movies so complex? Beyond the above mentioned points, the whole story was this complex journey through Woodys psyche as he comes to terms with his place in the universe and the fact that he’s nowhere near as important to Bonnie as he was to Andy.

Damn you Toy Story for making me feel….